Quotes Page

Quotes
15Peter20: Hi, ho, hi. I'm 15Peter20 and I believe that pissing is like crying through your genitals.

Sir Hugh Maharggs: Homosexuals can't swim, they attract enemy radar, they attract sharks, they insist on being placed at "the captain's table", they get up late, they nudge people whilst they're shooting. They muck about. Imagine... the fear... of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat, when you retire at night you think to yourself "God... will I wake up and find everybody dead?" You can't run a ship like that.

Dr. Fox: Paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that's a scientific fact: there's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

Chris Morris: The effects of a heroin overdose are lethal. Yes, in the short term, but there's been absolutely no research into the long-term effects.

Alan Partridge: Never, never criticize Muslims! Only Christians. And Jews, a little bit.

Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?

Hayden Huurdeman: We da cool catz.

Rod Serling: There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.

Gary King: What the fuck does WTF mean?

Raoul Duke: We can't stop here! This is bat country!!

Elmo Oxygen: I believe - firmly - in mayonnaise.

Adolf Hitler: If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.

Muki: This is a shit of a day. And it hasn't even started yet.

Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Baron Munchausen: Go away! I'm trying to die!

Steve Arlo: There aren't any GOOD guys. You realize that, don't you? I mean: there aren't EVIL guys, and INNOCENT guys. It's just - it's just... It's just a bunch of guys.

Steve Arlo: I'll shoot you. Really, I will. I have a gun and everything.

Harry: When in doubt, cut up a pig - that was the town's motto.

Chris: He's not a person, he's a Daily Mail reader!

Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.

Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but it's quite short.

Thornton: I need to crack this, Dag, cos if not, Won Ton will be all over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.

[after witnessing a murder through a window] Paul Hackett: I'll probably get blamed for that.

Ben: [after killing a black man] Here's our golden opportunity to see if that legend about their size is true. Rémy, pull his pants down. We'll know in a jiffy. Good Lord! He's really well hung. You can wrap it up now. It's disgusting. The kid's barely 18 and already hung like a polar bear.

Trelkovsky: If you cut off my head, what would I say... Me and my head, or me and my body? What right has my head to call itself me?

Box: Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea!

Tony Wilson: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's the latest craze sweeping the Pennines, and I've got to be honest, I'd rather be sweeping the Pennines right now.

Alan Partridge: That's not racist. French people chomp onions and go "hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh", that's a fact.

Carson Clay: What is life but a teardrop in the eye of infinity?

Jim Harrison: No, if two Americans die it has to be unofficially.

Torgo: I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away.

Johnny: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

Johnny: You betrayed me! You're not good. You, you're just a chicken. Chip-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep.

Ramsey: Hey look, a fishing rod! I can go catch some fish!

TV Anchor: And many have died from starvation, due to the difficulty of finding enough food, such as seals.

Murat: Come on man! If you don't eat, your handsome looks will deteriorate.

Penis Grabbing Henchman: I could kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift.

Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Basil Fawlty: [about Sybil's laugh] Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal.

[Trying to put out a fire and having just set the fire to the extinguisher] Moss: I'll just put it here with the rest of the fire.

Gareth: That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

Father Jack Hackett: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

The Book: In the beginning the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move.